You know the one that I am now.

You’ve seen me at my worst difficult times,

you saw my “strength” and “warrior” come out

attempt their best at life.

I don’t regret anything but I am changed.

I’m not so fragile and delicately sensitive

that’s a good thing for me.

Nor would I repeat my errors.

I will balance my wills better, and I do.

I will stand on fertile soils and not beat the concrete senseless.

I will make new mistakes and learn new lessons,

but I believe I will do so more carefully

more gently with others and myself.

I know that I hurt  twice holding the toxins.

Don’t know how to knock my walls down

because I’m fond of them.

It’s safe to me

even though I’m inside with the poison!!

And it’s making me extravagantly ill!

I guess all in due time.

I need to be gentle

Protect myself through thick and thin like my life depended on it…

and it does!

All the resentments have not disappeared

they were frozen in time

and have taken over my physical body to get my attention.

My “life”, as people knew it,

was placed on “checkmate”

I won that …battle-game.

I built barriers and I still stand behind them.

When one is hurting or clouded it’s another story.

The thing with the school of life is…

just when you think you’re good and clear and got it,

you get quizzed and put in front of those whom you’d rather evade.

That’s when all info goes bananas….

If I could draw a line in the sand and say…

“As of today I start all over,

new people, new world”

then I’d be super great!

No problem.

But of course it’s true…I can create my world

but I can’t run away and not face my demons.

So I have been pushing away

ignoring them all my life.

It’s what I do.

So I read this quote in a “Conversations With God”…

“Live a life that is nourishing,

rewarding,

taking you someplace,

by changing ANY aspect of your life that you no longer find joyful.”  p.202

A new world ahead

new and better ways to be a part,

and one,

with the world and nature.

We influence a change in every person we come into contact with

and it is very simply either of love or fear.

You always have to play it by ear,

which means on the last played note,

not the songs of yesterday,

nor anticipating on the yet to be played.

I resent very much people who seemed apparently loving

but were actually never capable of loving because they were afraid of loss.

And I feel, in retrospect, like a pun in their game!

Be well with YOU

that brings out a whole other ball game.

Romantic love is only a small dividend of the whole in a woman’s life.

Give time, dedication,

love, and attention to ALL your houses of Self………..

BALANCE.

Don’t give it a yay, nor a nay but just keep focusing.

The more you try to fight off or figure out your shadow,

the more you empower it.

It will entertain you all day

and all night if you let it…..even in your dreams.

But before “it” starts putting ideas on you

about what you may want to do to avoid it…

know that the more you go against it the more it sticks.

It will go to immeasurable lengths to be,

and to have control over you,

because it only want is to survive

Unfortunately,

women in particular arrive here too late,

or never get pass the point

or at least not until they are much older

and they miss out on living in the Light.

So be grateful to have arrived,

be grateful to be privileged

with the knowledge of the grand challenge.

How long this phase takes you

is all up to you,

but “time” is an illusion,

so more importantly is really getting it,

rather than how long it takes.

We all have a “Light” self,

I will call it that……And we all have a “shadow” self.

YOU and you only.

Lets focus on that

leave the rest for later,

as later it will take care of itself.

Life rearranges itself in relation to our inner status.

We attract, or repel, depending on our inner energy,

so looking within is crucial in any situation

even when it seems exterior.

~.~

©Anaid K.C.

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